A while back, I attended a Harvard Business Review webinar featuring Tomas Chamorro-Premuzic, and one line in particular pulled me up short: “Don’t be yourself.”
It’s a jarring message in a culture that champions authenticity as a leadership virtue. But as Tomas laid out his argument and as I reflected on my own experience… the statement began to make a lot more sense.
The Illusion of Authenticity
We often talk about authenticity as if it’s both knowable and measurable. But how do we actually define it? How do we know if we’re being authentic or if others perceive us that way?
According to Tomas, authenticity is less about some fixed inner truth and more about how others feel in our presence. If someone leaves a conversation with us feeling good about themselves, they’re likely to say we’re authentic. If they leave feeling uneasy or challenged, we’re suddenly labeled as “inauthentic.”
In other words: authenticity is rarely objective. It’s relational and perceptual.
Authenticity as Privilege
This is where things get uncomfortable — and important.
Being “authentic” might actually be a privilege, one reserved for the elite and those preserving the status quo. For those of us working to challenge norms, shift systems, or lead from marginalized identities, showing up as our full, unfiltered selves isn’t always welcomed. In fact, it can backfire.
I’ve experienced this firsthand. When you push against expectations, when your presence disrupts the norm, “being yourself” can come at a professional or personal cost.
You are not one thing to everyone
This ties into something I’ve explored before:
There are as many versions of you as there are people who’ve met you.
The version of yourself that you think you’re projecting often doesn’t match how others see you. Neuroscience backs this up. Our brains are wired to make meaning through filters, biases, and preconceptions. So even if you’re being consistent, how others experience you will vary widely.
If authenticity is that fluid and externally shaped, it’s worth asking: what should we be focused on instead?
From authenticity to relational intelligence
Tomas suggests that the more useful focus is emotional intelligence and impression management. And no, impression management isn’t manipulation—it’s the ability to understand how we’re being perceived and adjust our approach accordingly.
That’s not just about words or behaviors. It’s about how our social identity (gender, race, role, seniority) intersects with others’ expectations. It’s about understanding the room we’re in, and what others are bringing into that room when they see or hear us.
This doesn’t mean we have to conform. But it does mean we need to be aware. When how we show up clashes with how others expect us to show up, friction follows. If we want to influence, connect, and shift outcomes, we can’t ignore that.
We have to meet people where they are and through intentional, relational leadership reshape how they experience us.
Why this matters for leadership
This is hard work. It requires a level of self-awareness, reflection, and interpersonal agility that isn’t always rewarded in traditional leadership environments. But for those of us working within complex systems, especially health systems, it’s not optional.
“Just be yourself” is a luxury not everyone can afford.
If we’re serious about equity, systems change, and more inclusive leadership, we need to look beyond authenticity as a one-size-fits-all virtue.
Tomas’ message challenged me and affirmed much of what I’ve felt, seen, and navigated in my own journey. While the title of his talk was provocative, the content was deeply resonant.
And for many of us leading from the margins or at the edges of change, it’s a much-needed reframe.
Want to explore how this shows up in your own leadership practice?
At AmpedUp Leadership, we work with individuals and teams navigating complex health systems challenges, especially when leadership requires showing up with nuance, strategy, and courage.
